Sunday, December 8, 2013
Emergency exit
I knew I wouldn't be good at this haha. I write three blogs and then can't find the time for more. And I kinda wonder, who really cares what I have to say anyway? If the people in my life who are supposed to mean the most don't even care who the heck else out there even would?! As you can probably tell I'm feeling a bit down this evening. Well that's putting it lightly actually. I'm feeling more like I'm in a nightmare where I'm fully aware of what's going on, but the weight of the world is pushing me down and keeping me from doing exactly what it is that I want and need to. Here's the best advice I can ever give my fellow ladies: never let yourself be stuck without a way out. Especially if you are a mother. We do all that we can as mothers to ensure our children have the best. Including give up everything that we had. We make decisions not for the good of ourselves, but for our babies. BUT, when the poo hits the fan, then what? Then you're stuck with no means of escaping a situation that you feel most uncomfortable in. DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN. By all means do what it takes to give your kids the best. And that does mean looking out for yourself too. Your child will thrive a whole lot better watching you be the amazing woman you were meant to be. I am speaking from experience if you can't tell. I allowed myself to give up everything that was MY OWN thinking that putting everyone else in my life first would be the best in the long run. So what if I suffer for a little while? No. Because when you truly feel broken, there won't be anyone to hold and mend you. You will be alone. Sure I still have my beautiful baby girl, but at this point I feel like all parenting control has been robbed from me. I can't parent to my full potential and I feel terrible because of that. So ladies, never love someone so much that you are willing to entrust in them your entire well being. Always have a backup plan to allow yourself some space for when you need it. End rant.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
gypsy heart
I didn't post a blog yesterday, so I am going to use my daughter's nap time to catch up :) I wanted to post yesterday about something I forgot in my quilting blog the day before.
As I was driving to my aunts house, who lives in Francestown, I got one of my overwhelming feeling of nostalgia when I drove through the center of town. I never truly know what triggers or brings these feelings on, but I positively love and welcome them. It's an indescribable feeling with no definite thoughts to attach to said feeling. I can only assume that it stems from something in my childhood, as that's sort of how I feel in these moments. The feeling itself is incredibly hard for me to describe. I've tried to explain it to myself. It's a warm feeling of wholeness. I feel carefree and almost oblivious to all the pain and worries of the world. I momentarily feel complete, and then as quickly as it comes, it goes, and I feel this longing. It's a happy sort of longing, as if I temporarily had what it was I am missing, and I'm hopeful that it will come again. No matter how brief it can be it still gives me so much hope. And I can never pinpoint what exactly it is that I am longing for. A lot of times when these moments consume me (they literally do consume me) I tingle all over and my eyes inexplicably fill with tears. I wish I could bottle this awareness and break it out when I am feeling down. I wish I could harness it and feel it forever. I have, a few times, been able to understand a few slight things that trigger when this nostalgia visits me. But I have yet to understand why these certain things provoke it. Like, for instance, weirdly enough when ever I see a sunny hill with sparse trees on it. Every time I see one, I can feel myself standing on top of it looking down. And as I look down I can see the whole world and all it's goodness. I have no where to be and no certain thing to do and I feel as though I could happily live on that hill forever.
This wistfulness also visits me in dreams. These are usually the dreams I remember most. But, again, I remember more the feeling of the dream rather than the actual dream itself. A lot of times I can revisit and remember the dream if I sort of meditate and try to retrieve the feeling. I can't think to hard about it and if I do I lose it. It has to sort of be a background thought and I have to mindlessly be doing something. One of the most unbelievable times this happened to me was when I had a dream about my friend Andy after he passed away. I woke up, knowing that he had been in my dream, feeling like I was still in the dream but had no idea what it was about. The feeling of the dream just lingered all morning and I puttered around in a sort of daze. Then I got in the shower. I didn't even realize until after the fact that I had literally lost myself in thought as I showered. I relived the dream I had had the night before. I remembered every moment of it. And it was beautiful. I won't go into complete detail, but in the dream my friend Andy was in this stunning, sunny, lush and green sort of nirvana. It was, and still is, the most magnificent sight I have ever seen.
These brief and fleeting moments are part of the reason I think I feel such wanderlust. Whenever I visit new places, I create new memories of this feeling. Like the first time my sister and I visited Cancun. I felt it then. I lived it for an entire week. I had never felt more at home and my sister and I literally cried in the airport the day we were leaving. We would have done anything to stay and I'm always longing to go back. I wish I understood more about this. If anyone can offer any insight into this please feel free. Maybe it's something that isn't meant to be understood though. Maybe that is the beauty of it. Maybe I am a gypsy at heart and I am always longing to wander and feel alive and free..
As I was driving to my aunts house, who lives in Francestown, I got one of my overwhelming feeling of nostalgia when I drove through the center of town. I never truly know what triggers or brings these feelings on, but I positively love and welcome them. It's an indescribable feeling with no definite thoughts to attach to said feeling. I can only assume that it stems from something in my childhood, as that's sort of how I feel in these moments. The feeling itself is incredibly hard for me to describe. I've tried to explain it to myself. It's a warm feeling of wholeness. I feel carefree and almost oblivious to all the pain and worries of the world. I momentarily feel complete, and then as quickly as it comes, it goes, and I feel this longing. It's a happy sort of longing, as if I temporarily had what it was I am missing, and I'm hopeful that it will come again. No matter how brief it can be it still gives me so much hope. And I can never pinpoint what exactly it is that I am longing for. A lot of times when these moments consume me (they literally do consume me) I tingle all over and my eyes inexplicably fill with tears. I wish I could bottle this awareness and break it out when I am feeling down. I wish I could harness it and feel it forever. I have, a few times, been able to understand a few slight things that trigger when this nostalgia visits me. But I have yet to understand why these certain things provoke it. Like, for instance, weirdly enough when ever I see a sunny hill with sparse trees on it. Every time I see one, I can feel myself standing on top of it looking down. And as I look down I can see the whole world and all it's goodness. I have no where to be and no certain thing to do and I feel as though I could happily live on that hill forever.
This wistfulness also visits me in dreams. These are usually the dreams I remember most. But, again, I remember more the feeling of the dream rather than the actual dream itself. A lot of times I can revisit and remember the dream if I sort of meditate and try to retrieve the feeling. I can't think to hard about it and if I do I lose it. It has to sort of be a background thought and I have to mindlessly be doing something. One of the most unbelievable times this happened to me was when I had a dream about my friend Andy after he passed away. I woke up, knowing that he had been in my dream, feeling like I was still in the dream but had no idea what it was about. The feeling of the dream just lingered all morning and I puttered around in a sort of daze. Then I got in the shower. I didn't even realize until after the fact that I had literally lost myself in thought as I showered. I relived the dream I had had the night before. I remembered every moment of it. And it was beautiful. I won't go into complete detail, but in the dream my friend Andy was in this stunning, sunny, lush and green sort of nirvana. It was, and still is, the most magnificent sight I have ever seen.
These brief and fleeting moments are part of the reason I think I feel such wanderlust. Whenever I visit new places, I create new memories of this feeling. Like the first time my sister and I visited Cancun. I felt it then. I lived it for an entire week. I had never felt more at home and my sister and I literally cried in the airport the day we were leaving. We would have done anything to stay and I'm always longing to go back. I wish I understood more about this. If anyone can offer any insight into this please feel free. Maybe it's something that isn't meant to be understood though. Maybe that is the beauty of it. Maybe I am a gypsy at heart and I am always longing to wander and feel alive and free..
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Quilted with Love
One of my biggest dreams is to have a "Martha Stewart" craft room. She is honestly one of my biggest idols. I love her, and creating!
Today I went to visit my aunt Valorie to learn how to quilt. I like to think that I'm crafty. I learn things quickly and this is one thing I have always wanted to try. I dabble in a bit of everything, haha. We started very simple and basic and made this beautiful quilt for my daughter. It is soft purple on one side, fleece butterfly pattern on the other, and with a rainbow binding. It's quite beautiful. My aunt did most of the work, I really wanted to watch one made all the way through. I'm proud to say that I learn well that way. Usually if I am shown something once I can do it on my own the next time. I am already brainstorming colors for my first one! The technique she showed me is so simple. I am planning to make three quilts this way and then I will move onto something a little more advanced :)
Before we started on the quilt I showed Valorie how to make my coffee filter peonies that I made for Madison's first birthday. We used them at my sisters baby shower yesterday as well. I really love getting together with friends and family to craft. I love teaching people what I know and learning new things from the ones I love. I really hope that I pass on my love of making hand made treasures to Madison. Or at least one of my future children! I feel like it's a dying art. Not many people quilt or knit or sew these days. I positively feel its an important skill to have. And I can't even begin to express how rewarding it is to make something useful with your own two hands. I don't know about everyone else, but I ABSOLUTELY love getting hand made gifts. I wish I had the time and money to make all my gifts.
Lou Reed died today. What a sad, sad day in music. And history in general. He was an icon for sure and will be immortalized in his music. RIP <3
Today I went to visit my aunt Valorie to learn how to quilt. I like to think that I'm crafty. I learn things quickly and this is one thing I have always wanted to try. I dabble in a bit of everything, haha. We started very simple and basic and made this beautiful quilt for my daughter. It is soft purple on one side, fleece butterfly pattern on the other, and with a rainbow binding. It's quite beautiful. My aunt did most of the work, I really wanted to watch one made all the way through. I'm proud to say that I learn well that way. Usually if I am shown something once I can do it on my own the next time. I am already brainstorming colors for my first one! The technique she showed me is so simple. I am planning to make three quilts this way and then I will move onto something a little more advanced :)
Before we started on the quilt I showed Valorie how to make my coffee filter peonies that I made for Madison's first birthday. We used them at my sisters baby shower yesterday as well. I really love getting together with friends and family to craft. I love teaching people what I know and learning new things from the ones I love. I really hope that I pass on my love of making hand made treasures to Madison. Or at least one of my future children! I feel like it's a dying art. Not many people quilt or knit or sew these days. I positively feel its an important skill to have. And I can't even begin to express how rewarding it is to make something useful with your own two hands. I don't know about everyone else, but I ABSOLUTELY love getting hand made gifts. I wish I had the time and money to make all my gifts.
Lou Reed died today. What a sad, sad day in music. And history in general. He was an icon for sure and will be immortalized in his music. RIP <3
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Blog One.
My iPhone broke today. I set it on the trunk of my car while I was taking my daughter out and it slide off in one suspenseful swoop. "Could it be any more broken?" I wondered to myself. The screen has been cracked for weeks now. I pick it up, yup. Blue screen. It's more broken. This happened early today while I was getting things ready for my sisters baby shower. It's now like 9:30pm (I'm not even sure) and I'm wondering how I survived life before my iPhone? I went all day without a smart phone, without any phone. It feels weird. Honestly the weirdest part to me is my lost sense of time. Why don't I wear a watch?! I may start.
Any who, my relationship with iPhone is coming up on two years, and I'm kind of wondering what life was like before then. Or before any smart phone. What did I do in my spare time two years ago? Or three, or four, or five? Truth is. I did have a smart phone five years ago. It was a pink Blackberry Pearl and I loved it. I have never loved a phone more. But, I must say that I wasn't as "glued" to it as I tend to be my iPhone. Why is that? Well, five years ago I was 21 and had more to do than I could dream. I lived in the lively city of Manchester and going out was the thing to do. We had a group of friends and, like clock work, we'd meet at our favorite dive bar every night. I guess it was our own frivolous version of FRIENDS. But it felt so important to me to be apart of this group that would truly miss me if I didn't just pop by for "one". And boy did I make a spectacle of it. Doing my hair and makeup and picking out the perfect outfit. All just to go out for sometimes only 20 minutes with a group of people who had certainly seen me at my worst. I look back now and chuckle. As well as turn green with envy. That girl was so much FUN. She was pretty, trendy, carefree, perpetually happy, alluring, and always down for what ever life had to throw at her. My life has slowed down considerably since then. Yes I'm sure you're thinking it's to be expected when you become a parent, but is it really? Can I really not have both? If you know me, then you will know I'm convinced that I can. So why don't I? What's holding me back? Uhh there's so much to list, I'll get to that another time.
Five years ago I did not need to check my phone every night before bed. It wasn't at my side 24/7. But maybe the times have changed? Or maybe just I have. I used to be such a busy body, it's hard to slow down this much. I miss having a large group of friends to tend to. Friends to come over so I could entertain them, cook for them, and then clean up after them. I loved it. I thrived off that. Taking care of a child is hardly like that at all. It's nonstop and not in the fun way. It's exhausting. And sometimes I crave a break! Don't get me wrong. I love everything about being a mom. What mother doesn't? There are so many moments that take your breath away, it's an entirely different kind of love. But I want my daughter to grow up knowing and admiring the me I once was. I want her to even be like that girl. I worked so hard to become her, took many risks and explored the unknown to figure out what truly made me tick. It was bumpy and messy, and completely fun and exhilarating at the same time. But how can my daughter admire that version of me if I am no longer her? Can I be her again?
One thing you don't take into consideration as a young person dreaming of life as a future parent, are the other people involved. I always wanted a family. I knew that selfish lifestyle wasn't a permanent one. But I didn't know I, myself, would have to change this much. It's hard when the other people in your life don't agree completely with your views. When what you see as fun is a complete drag and waste of time to them. That hurts. If it's important to me shouldn't it be important to you? Maybe not. Maybe I'm silly and nothing really matters. Except it does. It matters to me. And if it didn't then I wouldn't be feeling this way. Life is so hard and complicated when it's filled with everyone's different views and ideas. Can't we all just think and like the same things?!! Now I'm kidding :D Haha.
Today my iPhone broke and I thought it would be a rad time to try my hand at writing a blog. Who knows if it will even go anywhere. I was inspired by a friend from high school that I have recently reconnected with since becoming a mom (there's one of the perks!) But I'm not very good at this and honestly have no idea what I'm even doing so this should be interesting..
Any who, my relationship with iPhone is coming up on two years, and I'm kind of wondering what life was like before then. Or before any smart phone. What did I do in my spare time two years ago? Or three, or four, or five? Truth is. I did have a smart phone five years ago. It was a pink Blackberry Pearl and I loved it. I have never loved a phone more. But, I must say that I wasn't as "glued" to it as I tend to be my iPhone. Why is that? Well, five years ago I was 21 and had more to do than I could dream. I lived in the lively city of Manchester and going out was the thing to do. We had a group of friends and, like clock work, we'd meet at our favorite dive bar every night. I guess it was our own frivolous version of FRIENDS. But it felt so important to me to be apart of this group that would truly miss me if I didn't just pop by for "one". And boy did I make a spectacle of it. Doing my hair and makeup and picking out the perfect outfit. All just to go out for sometimes only 20 minutes with a group of people who had certainly seen me at my worst. I look back now and chuckle. As well as turn green with envy. That girl was so much FUN. She was pretty, trendy, carefree, perpetually happy, alluring, and always down for what ever life had to throw at her. My life has slowed down considerably since then. Yes I'm sure you're thinking it's to be expected when you become a parent, but is it really? Can I really not have both? If you know me, then you will know I'm convinced that I can. So why don't I? What's holding me back? Uhh there's so much to list, I'll get to that another time.
Five years ago I did not need to check my phone every night before bed. It wasn't at my side 24/7. But maybe the times have changed? Or maybe just I have. I used to be such a busy body, it's hard to slow down this much. I miss having a large group of friends to tend to. Friends to come over so I could entertain them, cook for them, and then clean up after them. I loved it. I thrived off that. Taking care of a child is hardly like that at all. It's nonstop and not in the fun way. It's exhausting. And sometimes I crave a break! Don't get me wrong. I love everything about being a mom. What mother doesn't? There are so many moments that take your breath away, it's an entirely different kind of love. But I want my daughter to grow up knowing and admiring the me I once was. I want her to even be like that girl. I worked so hard to become her, took many risks and explored the unknown to figure out what truly made me tick. It was bumpy and messy, and completely fun and exhilarating at the same time. But how can my daughter admire that version of me if I am no longer her? Can I be her again?
One thing you don't take into consideration as a young person dreaming of life as a future parent, are the other people involved. I always wanted a family. I knew that selfish lifestyle wasn't a permanent one. But I didn't know I, myself, would have to change this much. It's hard when the other people in your life don't agree completely with your views. When what you see as fun is a complete drag and waste of time to them. That hurts. If it's important to me shouldn't it be important to you? Maybe not. Maybe I'm silly and nothing really matters. Except it does. It matters to me. And if it didn't then I wouldn't be feeling this way. Life is so hard and complicated when it's filled with everyone's different views and ideas. Can't we all just think and like the same things?!! Now I'm kidding :D Haha.
Today my iPhone broke and I thought it would be a rad time to try my hand at writing a blog. Who knows if it will even go anywhere. I was inspired by a friend from high school that I have recently reconnected with since becoming a mom (there's one of the perks!) But I'm not very good at this and honestly have no idea what I'm even doing so this should be interesting..
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