Blog One.

   My iPhone broke today. I set it on the trunk of my car while I was taking my daughter out and it slide off in one suspenseful swoop. "Could it be any more broken?" I wondered to myself. The screen has been cracked for weeks now. I pick it up, yup. Blue screen. It's more broken. This happened early today while I was getting things ready for my sisters baby shower. It's now like 9:30pm (I'm not even sure) and I'm wondering how I survived life before my iPhone? I went all day without a smart phone, without any phone. It feels weird. Honestly the weirdest part to me is my lost sense of time. Why don't I wear a watch?! I may start.

   Any who, my relationship with iPhone is coming up on two years, and I'm kind of wondering what life was like before then. Or before any smart phone. What did I do in my spare time two years ago? Or three, or four, or five? Truth is. I did have a smart phone five years ago. It was a pink Blackberry Pearl and I loved it. I have never loved a phone more. But, I must say that I wasn't as "glued" to it as I tend to be my iPhone. Why is that? Well, five years ago I was 21 and had more to do than I could dream. I lived in the lively city of Manchester and going out was the thing to do. We had a group of friends and, like clock work, we'd meet at our favorite dive bar every night. I guess it was our own frivolous version of FRIENDS. But it felt so important to me to be apart of this group that would truly miss me if I didn't just pop by for "one". And boy did I make a spectacle of it. Doing my hair and makeup and picking out the perfect outfit. All just to go out for sometimes only 20 minutes with a group of people who had certainly seen me at my worst. I look back now and chuckle. As well as turn green with envy. That girl was so much FUN. She was pretty, trendy, carefree, perpetually happy, alluring, and always down for what ever life had to throw at her. My life has slowed down considerably since then. Yes I'm sure you're thinking it's to be expected when you become a parent, but is it really? Can I really not have both? If you know me, then you will know I'm convinced that I can. So why don't I? What's holding me back? Uhh there's so much to list, I'll get to that another time.
 
   Five years ago I did not need to check my phone every night before bed. It wasn't at my side 24/7. But maybe the times have changed? Or maybe just I have. I used to be such a busy body, it's hard to slow down this much. I miss having a large group of friends to tend to. Friends to come over so I could entertain them, cook for them, and then clean up after them. I loved it. I thrived off that. Taking care of a child is hardly like that at all. It's nonstop and not in the fun way. It's exhausting. And sometimes I crave a break! Don't get me wrong. I love everything about being a mom. What mother doesn't? There are so many moments that take your breath away, it's an entirely different kind of love. But I want my daughter to grow up knowing and admiring the me I once was. I want her to even be like that girl. I worked so hard to become her, took many risks and explored the unknown to figure out what truly made me tick. It was bumpy and messy, and completely fun and exhilarating at the same time.  But how can my daughter admire that version of me if I am no longer her? Can I be her again?

   One thing you don't take into consideration as a young person dreaming of life as a future parent, are the other people involved. I always wanted a family. I knew that selfish lifestyle wasn't a permanent one. But I didn't know I, myself, would have to change this much. It's hard when the other people in your life don't agree completely with your views. When what you see as fun is a complete drag and waste of time to them. That hurts. If it's important to me shouldn't it be important to you? Maybe not. Maybe I'm silly and nothing really matters. Except it does. It matters to me. And if it didn't then I wouldn't be feeling this way. Life is so hard and complicated when it's filled with everyone's different views and ideas. Can't we all just think and like the same things?!! Now I'm kidding :D Haha.

   Today my iPhone broke and I thought it would be a rad time to try my hand at writing a blog. Who knows if it will even go anywhere. I was inspired by a friend from high school that I have recently reconnected with since becoming a mom (there's one of the perks!) But I'm not very good at this and honestly have no idea what I'm even doing so this should be interesting..